Last week I opened up about going through divorce and I decided to be vulnerable and open my heart and talk about the things we keeps excrete or keep behind closed doors.
This is my work in being a recovering perfectionist.
In April, I left my marriage (of 6.5 years) after 4 challenging years mixed with hope, anger, positivity and struggle. I share my story to inspire women to take ownership of their experience in life and to use their challenges to explore personal growth.
I share my story to inspire women to own their power.
I talk about my challenge of being in a marriage where I felt very little love in the last 4 years and what I did to move through that. My focus is very much about sharing my story, not about the person I was with.
This work of being a human is about being open, being vulnerable, sharing from our heart. It’s the ONLY way to feel connected, it’s the only way we know we belong.
I started a Book Club in Periscope, and our book has been The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
Two years ago, my friend Jen gave me this book. I looked at it and felt a bit offended, “who does she think I am to need this book? I have a strong marriage (we don’t even miss each other when we’re apart! that’s how strong we are.), I have a business, I have plans and places to go in the future.”
This year, as my marriage fell apart and the cracks in my life started getting obvious, this book caught my eye. I started reading it and I found the courage I needed to hold him accountable for his part in the relationship and eventually found the courage to leave and file for divorce.
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way–especially shame, fear and vulnerability.” [Brené Brown]
My shame, my fear, my vulnerability
This all showed up for me, especially since April 5th. The day I asked for a divorce.*
In my circle of people, the community I’m a part of divorce is a hush-hush topic. And within secrecy, shame grows. Divorce isn’t something you do. But if you do it, you never talk about it. You put it in the closet and wait a few years and then people can talk to you comfortably about it, in the past tense.
I left my husband in April.
I divorced June 30th, 2015.
The word I picked on New Year this year was transformation. Would it be crass to say #nailedit…?
The second half of my year has been amazing. In fact, since April 5th, my life has been the definition of freedom. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been challenging, oh-so-difficult, I’ve had “shame-on-you” Facebook messages and phone calls, I’ve had to know in my gut that my choice was right for my highest good. Even though my choice has lost some friends and put me up against my own judgment, it’s been amazing.
Last week I started speaking my truth.
I started talking about my growth experience through and out of my marriage, and through and out of divorce.
I believe that, when women own their power, it positively impacts men too. When a woman who knows she needs nothing from anyone, her man can feel more confident because he knows she is with him because she loves him, not because she needs something from him. It’s a relationships of equals, rather than the powerful and powerless.
Whenever we take a stand for ourselves, we’ll face adversity.
I received a Facebook message over the weekend asking me to be quiet, to stop talking, to stop sharing my story. They suggest that, through sharing my story, that I’m tearing others’ down.
They suggest that I should be nice, quiet, be a good girl rather than talking about my fear, my shame and my vulnerability.
This post is to encourage you as women and men to go out, stand for your truth, stand for what you believe in.
Don’t let anyone shut you down, shut you up and ask you to throw something unsightly in the closet so the rest of us can feel comfortable.
Whatever imperfections you see in your life, whatever you feel vulnerable about, fearful about, shameful about… be open and honest. Open yourself to people you trust.
Being a wholehearted person isn’t about shoving our imperfection in a closet and pretending life is wonderful.
It’s about knowing our life has cracks and showing up anyway.
*I am not a blind divorce advocate. When both parties are in agreement and working together toward a common goal, practicing commitment and not only professing commitment, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is the possibility for two to overcome the challenge and bounce back stronger and better than when they entered the challenge. When both parties are NOT in agreement, NOT practicing, NOT attempting reconciliation, NOT working toward each other, there is very little hope. Know the difference in your gut, this should be a visceral knowing… not a surface knowing.